Everyone and his grandma has an opinion on Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the Democratic Convention. Well, here's our nickel review: Too light on tech. The man may generate hype like the second coming, but we suspect tech-savvy voters like ourselves would like a little more substance.
Hey, Barack, like all politicians, you're promising us the world. Well, if you can do all that, certainly you could solve a few tech problems, too. So, sir, here’s our list of 20 campaign promises you could make to help win the iPhone-owning demographic. We'd love it if you could steer the full power of the executive branch toward making all these technological conveniences commonplace.
1. Capless fuel filler, no more gas caps
Ford has finally come up with an idea all vehicles should have: a capless fuel filler that works like a receptacle for the gas pump nozzle. Make all car manufacturers put these on their 2010 cars. No more unscrewing the fuel filler cap, just plug it in and pump.
2. Toggling elevator floor buttons
We need an "undo" on elevator buttons. A simple toggle switch would do the trick, oh miracle-working politician. Make it so.
3. Cozy Suite airplane seats
Even you can’t fix the airlines, but at least order them all to install some Cozy Suite seats, giving economy-class passengers privacy and comfort that’s a tiny bit like First.
4. Solar panel roof on every car
Millions of cars are sitting in sunny parking lots all over America. If they all had solar panels (like the upcoming Priuses), and then the country will be our solar collector. They can use that juice to power their air conditioners, and if there’s any power left over, maybe the rest could be fed into the residential power grid.
5. Auto online backup
We’ve been remiss, not backing up everything as we should, but even a third-rate miracle worker could require all operating systems to be regularly backed up online. Forget Apple’s “Time Machine.” We want federally mandated backup!
6. Online copy of all magazines online for subscribers
Magazines are dead, and you should make it official, Mr. President. Just sign a presidential decree that all their content must be online exactly as it is in their paper magazines — available to subscribers only, of course.
7. RF remote controls
Infrared (IR) remote controls seemed OK a few decades ago, but proclaim them illegal, oh holy one. Demand that all use RF (radio frequency) from now on, and spare us the heartache of the remote not working unless it’s pointed directly at the TV.
8. Unlimited broadband
Sure, they say it’s “unlimited broadband” (well, they’ve shied away from that lately), but get that big bad government jumping all over those service providers, making them actually provide unlimited broadband so we can watch our Apple TVs and Hulu in peace.
9. No air conditioning unless it's solar
If you just declare that nobody will stay frosty on a scorching day unless they’re using solar powered air conditioning, we’d see the fastest uptake of solar energy in the world. Hit people where they hurt, Barack, and make them sweat if they don’t comply.
10. Easy-open biodegradable packaging
Smack down the cruel packaging industry, which creates bulletproof packaging that’s impossible to open unless you’re using a razor-sharp jackhammer. In fact, half the packaging fobbed off on consumers is unnecessary and even dangerous, so make them stop!
11. Commercial-free movie theaters
We pay $10 for a ticket and they still bombard us with 27 minutes of commercials (we timed it). And yes, movie trailers count as commercials. If it’s OK to search anyone without cause and torture those who won’t talk, surely it would be simple to make this illegal.
12. Cell phone jammers in movie theaters
While we’re talking movie theaters… no cell phone service, no annoying rings, no way. Jam those signals in every theater in the U.S. of A.
13. “I’m OK, you’re OK” airport security
There must be some way to put together a database that pre-screens frequent fliers. This phony circus that is supposed to be airport security is a joke. Oh yes, there's a database, but that’s called the “No-Fly List.” We need a leader to expedite that Registered Traveler system that’s in the works to let you breeze through security, nationwide.
14. WiMax at 1 gigabit/sec for connectivity everywhere
Solve that monopoly problem where weasel companies such as Comcast and Time Warner gouge customers with no recourse. Let us wirelessly jack into the net anywhere, anytime, and make sure there’s competing providers to keep them honest.
15. TiVo-like pause/rewind on every car radio
OK, we do listen to NPR, but sometimes miss what they’re saying because, uh, we were busy driving. Put transport controls on every radio, giving it TiVo-like freedom to pause, rewind and fast-forward radio shows.
16. Real-time traffic on every GPS
Could the interconnectivity of the Dash Express GPS unit become standard on every GPS unit? They could all talk with each other and the net, reporting traffic tie-ups to each other and making life grand.
17. Outlaw DRM
It might take a miracle to figure out how to be sure artists get paid for their work, but make the record companies and movie studios stop suing their customers.
18. No more passwords
Passwords aren’t working, and even if they were, we’re getting sick of remembering dozens of strings of alphanumeric characters and PINs. Can’t somebody figure out how to use fingerprints, eye scans or voice recognition to securely prove identity?
19. Wi-Fi and video in every plane seat
The Republican Party promised a chicken in every pot back in 1928, but now it’s the 21st century, so Barack, you need to promise Wi-Fi and video in every airplane seat.
20. One-button hotel check-in
Order all hotels to install technology so those clerks don't have to do 139 button presses (we counted) just to give us a lousy room key. How hard can that be, oh anointed one?
editor@dvice.com
By MacBeth at 9:29 AM ON 08/29/08
yes that is exactly what I want in a president hype and pointless tech inovation. Who cares about world politics? What do we want with a president that has no real experience? If he can use an iPhone then I am voting for him.(sarcasm)
By blizzarddemon at 9:53 AM ON 08/29/08
Your #$^%$%^in me right? There are bigger problems facing the next leader, I'd rather he not focus on such things. Simply investing more into technical and scientific research will suffice and do far more for our gadgetry then our current administration has done....ever. You guys are thinking way to much on the small scale. Cell Phones in theaters? Illegalization of IR sensors? This is a joke right?
By TheAdlerian at 10:13 AM ON 08/29/08
Why so serious?
By eidylon at 10:19 AM ON 08/29/08
Geez! You Barakians get WAY too touchy! You have to ask if this is a joke? Of course it is! Sure most of these are nice things to have (toggle elevator buttons! ;) ... and especially illegal DRM!), but they aren't seriously suggesting these would be TOP priority for a president.
Geez-a-lou, lighten up!
By unruhbrady at 10:33 AM ON 08/29/08
this is SATIRE and/or SARCASM...lol
By gamebittk at 2:54 PM ON 08/29/08
WHY exactly is this a list of things a Presidential candidate should do?
Anybody can make a numbered list and attach Obama's name to it for the ultimate diggbait, and I don't see what makes this list so special.
By Nicole at 3:36 PM ON 08/29/08
Just bringing back the "chicken in every pot" sounds good to me.
By Nicole at 3:51 PM ON 08/29/08
Also, the banning AC unless it is solar powered sounds like a bad idea that would just harm a lot of lower class people.
By Steve in Pekin at 2:11 PM ON 08/31/08
I guess you must have been playing with one of your new devices while he was making his acceptance speech. You didn't hear the part about and administration that will now start using Science again. Better that the last eight where (and the next 4 in we don't watch out) scientific research into stemcells was cut, Nasa budget cut, new energy research cut, that is probably just a few. The alternative today is someone that can't even use the Internet. Give me a break people. Vote Obama 08. www.barackobama.com
By Jim at 2:31 PM ON 08/31/08
you missed something really important,
put more money into NASA instead of war so they can develop advanced propulsion for interstellar space travel and start the dawn of human space colonisation!
By Samuraiartguy at 9:22 PM ON 08/31/08
Srtickly speaking, and a professional creative since 1980.. and seeing the graphic design profession erode since 9/11... I would be just as happy with a variation on #17... "figure out how to be sure artists get paid for their work"
Get my ass PAID, and I'll buy my own frakkin' gadgets.
By ghosty191 at 1:16 PM ON 09/01/08
#&@$ a bunch of obamas. He can promise you the world, but no one has ever followed through because it costs MONEY! YOU, the taxpayer, PAYS for everything promised!!! TAXES go UP and take home pay goes DOWN! Is that what you want? You can't afford those neat gadgets you have on what's left over. So get with the program and leave the politics out of this venue.
All of the above mentioned upgrades are very handy, especially the elevator "undo" button. Who wants to stop at a wrongly pushed floor?
The solar A/C is a stretch, because you obviously never lived in Phoenix. Easy-open packaging will please the shoplifters. There are already password programs that are encrypted and insert your passwords automatically at the corresponding website. Saves lots of headaches. You just remember one set to whatever startup you set. So if you want these new technologies in place, invent or develope them.
By mooseboys at 2:28 PM ON 09/01/08
Mr. President, how do you plan to address the most dire issue facing this nation: that you can't change the channel on your tv without pointing the remote at it?
By tentaro at 8:14 AM ON 09/04/08
Wow way too many serious people on this web site...loosen up it is supposed to be funny... morons. Although it would be nice for some of these things. It is amazing how incredibly stupid people can get sometimes try getting a sense of humor people...geez.
By dr.d at 8:37 AM ON 09/04/08
You people at dvice are retards. The Fed Gov can barely find it's own ass, and you want to empower it to do more "cool tech" stuff none of which there is any constitutional athority for. Try reading the Constitution and the Bill of Rights for a change. 90% of the stuff it does now there is no authority for, on top of which they do a piss poor job of what they currently control.
Have you people considered the Privacy implications of many of your "suggestions"? Seems not.
Who pays for the "undo button" in those elivators?
YOU do that who!
The government powerfull enought to give you every thing you need and/or want is powerfull enough to TAKE IT AWAY!
Some say we should "lighten up", well to damn many people realy do expexct the government to take care of them from 'cradle to grave" and will be in for a rude awakening when it all comes crashing down.
By moviedemon at 11:00 AM ON 09/04/08
Dr. D - I usually don't resort to name calling in forums like this, but seriously, you idiot, did you read the posts above before you started your rant?
This article is a parody, a farce, facetious, umm... how else can I put it that you can understand? It's a JOKE you dimwit, ie. NOT to be taken seriously.
Maybe you need a government mandated anger management class...
By zelduh at 2:21 PM ON 09/04/08
I AM SURE McCAIN WILL PROVIDE ALL OF THESE THINGS TO US!
(All-in-all, a pretty stupid article. So why are peeps so upset with its stupid premise?)
By ChewyCadaver at 3:40 PM ON 09/04/08
Wow, it looks like the people that took this article seriously are Osama...sorry...Obama voters. Didn't we learn our lesson from Hillary. Do we really want America hating Michelle running this country she is " finally proud to be part of". Because the last 200 years of our American history hold nothing to be proud of. (more sarcasm)Ignorance is bliss!
By bebo94 at 8:39 PM ON 09/04/08
chewycadaver and ghosty191,
Quit spouting the same old twisted rhetoric that's been screwing up our elections for years. The facts are clear, we're spending billions of dollars we don't have on a war that was false in the first place. The middle class has received no tax breaks while corporations like GE paid NO taxes last year thanks to loopholes. And in Texas, where the Republicans rule, small business taxes have nearly doubled for all companies EXCEPT those in oil and gas and practically every new road is a toll road. So in reality the party that's supposed to tax less has just creatively increased the tax burden by spreading it out.
So far in this week's convention all I've hear are more personal attacks and no specifics to address the issues.
As an Independent, the one thing I have to hand Obama is that he says we all have to take ownership and get involved if we want change. He's not promising anything that we as a nation won't have to deliver. This is one of the first politicians to do that. So rather spew the same crap on a forum and forward the same junk emails, why don't you actually volunteer to help register voters or really research the issues?
That's what I'm going to do.
By fhaq at 11:46 PM ON 09/04/08
Are we short on material this week? This article makes it seem so. BTW, like it was said about Obama promising the world, it's just talk.
By GUNOWNER at 11:49 PM ON 09/04/08
First and foremost, the very FIRST THING has already been accomplished by FORD, via their Lincoln arm. The brand new Lincoln MKS COMES with the exact gas filling device that you are whining about.
If you are going to come on the web, TRY AND KEEP UP WITH TECHNOLOGY. IT IS YOUR JOB, YES?
And for all you Banana people, go home and cry about anything you want. Cause the Banana ain't gonna get close.
All you libs are DONE. Banana is rapidly running out of money and not raising as much as he's spending and losing ground rapidly. Put a fork in Banana, he's done. So is his old fogey running mate.
BTW, Biden owes a private jet service over $150k and when presented with the bill, he said his 'campaign was over and he didn't have the money to pay the bill'. THAT IS WHAT YOU CAN EXPECT FROM THE BANANA AND BIDEN. But that goes well for most of you. SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. OR GETTING ANYONE BUT YOU TO PAY FOR IT. PUNKS.
If Banana is so much for CHANGE, then why is it that he doesn't HAVE a woman as his VEEP? No, it didn't HAVE to be Hitlery, it could have been anyone. But NOOOO, it had to be a white guy.
Would all you Banana supporters be all wound up if this was just another junior WHITE senator from Chicago? I kinda doubt it.
You want first class seats on a plane? BUY A FIRST CLASS TICKET. That's what seperate the REAL MEN from the masses.
You want a video in every seat? FLY JET BLUE. They already have it. No Wifi, as it interferes with the new video displays up in the cockpit of the plane.
If you want all the cell phones shut off in a movie theater? YOU PAY FOR IT. YOUR TICKET WILL COST ABOUT $20 instead of the $10 we are paying now.
And 'f' the idea of only ONLINE magazines. The ONLY reason that appeals to you is because THATS who you work for. AN ONLINE SERVICE. Talk about being insecure about your own job. Sheesh, grow up just a little.
I'd agree with the 'Tivo like' rewind on radio, except THEN, LIKE TIVO you would have to pay for it. No thanks. I'll take radio the way it is, FOR FREE.
Real time traffic updates on GPS? Already out there, but not for free. See, this is the problem. EVERYBODY WANTS SOMETHING FOR NOTHING. TANSTAFFL.
And about those instant check in at hotels? Try a REAL hotel. You know, an upscale one where you actually don't do anything but have a nice guy (or girl) carry your luggage up to your room, open it up, show you around and then HAND you your key. And you don't have to do anything until the stay is done and even then all you've got to do is SIGN the bill. Apparently you're too low rent. Definitely NOT a high roller. Probably below your pay grade, yes?
By smeagollette at 4:59 AM ON 09/05/08
LOL!! In spite of all the hupla this satirical article generated, I have a few more suggestions: I absolutely ADORE the "Made in Eureka" campaign, and some of those nifty "over-engineered" gadgets would suit this article to a "T"!!! We already have to switch our TV viewing from analog to digital (about time to switch, but seems silly to have a mandate for it) let's just take those extra steps into total fantasy!! Hee!Hee!
I don't know if this is a slam on Obama and his supporters or not, but it sure is funny! (BTW, I AM an Obama supporter and I'm smart enough to recoginize satire when I see it!)
Thanks for the giggle!!
By sctparker at 3:56 PM ON 09/05/08
Is this supposed to be humorous? Not only would all this be an extreme overreach, but "Unlimited broadband" through gov't decree? No, no, a googolplex times NO. Keeping government OUT of the net should be a priority.
By gjh at 1:59 PM ON 10/27/08
A president can't force most of those. Those are the jobs of innovators.