Something has to be done. I realize most of us appear content to continue down our increasingly self-centered path toward widespread social destruction, but far be it from me to take this Bluetooth invasion sitting down. It's time for a reality check.

But before I lay out my suggestions for making the proliferation of Bluetooth headsets a lot more acceptable, let me make one thing abundantly clear: I am a pleased-as-punch Bluetooth user. I love the unencumbered convenience, the wire-free communication, and the ability to have a phone conversation without suffering from arm atrophy or, for that matter, brain cancer.

That said, I also follow some basic rules of Bluetooth usage, and I believe it's my civic duty to spread them in an effort to make our Bluetooth-crazed society more bearable for all of us. Ignore them at your own risk.

Conducting calls in restaurants or at the family dinner table is still verboten. And just because you think you look cool doesn't mean it's any more acceptable to answer a call while you're talking to someone face to face. Special disdain should be reserved for Bluetooth users who not only take a call in the middle of an actual in-person conversation but continue to look into their (former) conversationalist's eyes. It's just downright creepy.

2) Don't wear your Bluetooth headset when you're not using it

We've all seen this phenomenon in action: Either it's power lunchers who want us to think someone powerful may need them at any moment, or wannabe Secret Service agents who believe that if they wear their headsets at swanky parties, girls might mistake them for international spies.

If you love the way your Bluetooth headset makes you feel (important), and you dig the way it makes you look (hip), you need a reality check. You are, in fact, insignificant and look like a dork. Do us all a favor — take it off and stuff it in your pocket. And for the love of God, please don't say, "Resistance is futile."

3) Know which ear to wear it on when driving

Obviously, the world would be a safer place if none of us conducted phone conversations while we drive. But since that's about as likely as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series, maybe we can all at least try not to look like a bunch of loonies. There are few times when people look crazier than when they're ranting in their passengerless cars. For you solo drivers getting a lot of derisive glances from drivers passing you on the left, I've got a simple suggestion: consider wearing your headset on your left year. At least then other folks on the road are more likely to know that you're actually ranting at someone.

However, this rule takes on a different complexion if you are, indeed, carrying passengers. No one wants to figure out that they've been talking with someone who's not even listening to them. By wearing your Bluetooth on your right ear, at least your passengers will have some indication that you're not conversing with them. Naturally, you'll want to reverse these directions when driving in U.K.

4) THERE'S NO REASON TO SHOUT

We all know people tend to talk loudly on their cellphones, what with all the interference and network unpredictability. But something about putting on a Bluetooth headset makes these same folks take it to another level, turning them into conversational Beowulfs: "I Am Bluetooth User!"

Get this straight: We don't care what you're having for dinner. We're not interested in what that co-worker you hate did to you today. And we certainly don't want to hear about your sex life. Odds are, the person on the other hand end will still hear you even if you bring your voice down about 10 notches. Yes, we know, the mic seems so far away from your mouth. But it's pretty safe to assume the manufacturer took this into account during the design process. And if you really do need to shout to be heard, then you bought the wrong headset, bub.