I'm in the market for a new cell phone, which pretty much means I'm preparing to voluntarily submit myself to the 21st-century version of the rack. Sure, many people (especially females under the age of, oh, 19) love to shop for a new phone. I, however, am wise enough to know that I'm likely to find only frustration and disappointment. In that sense, it's not unlike parenting.

Actually, let me clarify: It's not the phones themselves that are the problem, it's the process of finding the right one. In fact, the Audiovox SMT5600 smartphone I currently use is the best device of any kind I've ever owned. And the eight or nine phones I owned before it all met my needs. The part I don't understand is why it has to be so difficult to go from point A (needing a new phone) to point B (having a new phone in your hand).

It is in the spirit of aversion to the experience that I offer up the Top 10 Reasons I Hate the Mobile Phone Market. Check them out by following the link.

10) The act of buying a phone takes as long as a 12-person group trying to agree on a video rental. Admittedly, this has gotten better. A few years ago, it wasn't uncommon to spend two or three hours in a cell phone store, but today they get you out in 60 to 90 minutes. But compare this with the 30 minutes it takes to go on Dell's website and buy a freakin' customized desktop PC, and it's clear something's rotten in Denmark.

9) Musical cell-phone stores. Is there some good reason that cell-phone retail locations have to move more often than college students? I'd estimate I've put a good 200 unnecessary miles on my cars over the years driving to AT&T/Cingular stores that were no longer there. I suspect they do this just to get their less-enlightened customers to spring $1.50 for a call to information to find out where the new store is.

8) All-new accessories! That's right, folks, because nine times out of 10, all the accessories you bought for your previous phone won't work with your new one, even if it's from the same manufacturer. So you can expect to shell out for a new Bluetooth headset and car charger. If that's not a conspiracy, then I don't know what is.

7) I'm just gonna break it anyway. Okay, this isn't their fault, but it's pretty painful to plunk down my hard-earned cash for a gadget I know I'm gonna drop 500 times in the first month.

6) Useless features. The phones may be getting smaller, but the complexity of using them certainly isn't. Look, I want a phone that offers good call quality, an easy to use address book, and a decent calendaring tool. What I do not need my phone to do (because I've got 23 other devices that do this stuff): play games, store my entire CD collection, play TV shows, take high-resolution photos and video, view Excel spreadsheets, wash the dishes, get the kids to school, and feed the cats. Phonemakers, take note: There's a reason people love TiVo so much. Simplicity is golden.

5) Parents buying phones for their 9-year-olds. Why parents think any kid this age should have their own cell phone is beyond me. (I've told my 9-year-old that I'm not even discussing a phone for him until he's 12, so there!) Let's face it, when I'm buying a phone, I need it for important reasons. I'm an adult, I have responsibilities, business to conduct, emergencies to tackle. I don't want to waste my time in the store waiting for some snot-nosed teenager-in-waiting to argue with her mother about the pink phone casing she wants. Like, whatever!

4) Cell-phone stores are staffed by Circuit City rejects. I'll admit, the twentysomethings that staff mobile phone stores can sometimes talk a good game, but they rarely have answers to the tough questions, and they clearly don't understand the differences between how a college student uses his phone compared with a fortysomething professional. Get this straight, people: We mature folks don't care about downloading games or ringtones, or customizing our screen with photos of our pets. But not being able to sync with our PC's calendar and address book? Now that's a problem.

3) Like…old…phone…but can't…resist…pressure…to buy. When you really get right down to it, none of us really needs a new phone, but they keep adding so many new services that older phones don't support, and we just have to have something cool to show off when our geeky friends pull out their new iPhones.

2) There isn't a chair to be had anywhere. Why, oh why, must we stand through this entire painful process? Is there some study showing that when cell-phone buyers sit down, their brains start to work, and they realize they've been suckered into the cell-phone treadmill? For the love of God, let me rest my weary legs! If you do, I promise not to complain about that whole Bluetooth headset/car charger thing.

1) If you liked your previous phone, too bad for you, because cell phones are like shoes — you can never get the same pair. Take my Audiovox SMT 5600. I just wanted to get an updated version of that, but nooooo, there is no updated version, at least none offered by AT&T. I don't want to spend $400 on some feature-crazy BlackBerry or Treo. But the lower-cost smartphones they're offering don't run Windows Mobile and thus can't sync with my contacts in Windows Mail. Or at least, that's what I'm told. That means more research and additional trips to the cell-phone store. Maybe I'll just forget the whole thing, head down to the dungeon, and put myself on the rack. I bet it would be less painful.

— Tony Kontzer